


selfish

by justK



Series: random nct works [12]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Car Accidents, Cat/Human Hybrids, Feels, Hospitals, Hybrids, Kun is a cat hybrid, Kun's a pretty hybrid, Lots of medical inaccuracies, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Nonlinear Narrative, Not Betaed, Rare Pairing, Winwin centric, Winwin is a doctor, an ashera cat hybrid, and they are not described here the way they generally are, as always i dunno what this is, but hey, but not just any hybrid yanno, but there's really not, forgive me pls, hybrids are not that mistreated, i forgot to tag, i want to say there's smut, i'll call this a rare pairing because there's not enough kunwin out there, it is soft, it's fiction at the end, it's still for the bottom Kun agenda tho, only mentions of sex with some descriptions, sad too i guess, so Kun is safe, so he's classy, so here in my world whatever happened is perfectly possible, the heats are only mentioned tho, the universe i use for this hybrid setting it's modern, uhm well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:40:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29275614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justK/pseuds/justK
Summary: you can't just touch my soul — and leave.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Qian Kun
Series: random nct works [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007520
Comments: 5
Kudos: 36





	selfish

**Author's Note:**

> not a native english speaker, i apologise for any mistake i might have.
> 
> also, this is a hybrid setting, but not the one i've seen being portrayed often, here hybrids are not mistreated (there are still dangers tho), so no, this is not your typical hybrid au, Kun is not going through some sort of physical or psychological trauma, he's very much free, and actually you can even forget he's a hybrid because of the way i approach it, i just gave him these features so he could stand out more.  
> also (x2), i don't know how to explain this, but if you want to picture Kun as a hybrid, the way i imagined him, he has no human ears, only the cat ones and his hair and tail resembles that of the ashera (not really useful, or necessary info, but i wanted to tell you)  
> enjoy :)

it had been a cold winter night when Sicheng had gone out to buy some more tea because he wasn't set on enjoying his night without a good warm drink, the movie he had wanted to watch was already on the telly, just waiting for him to sit on the couch and play it, but that's when he had realised he had ran out of his favourite tea, and so, he just wrapped himself in one of those big, fluffy jackets that were long enough to reach his knees, he put on a beanie, then the hoodie of the jacket, his shoes, and with some money and his keys in hand, he headed out the door. 

it was saturday, the day where he got to leave the clinic at five, doing the groceries on his way to his very expensive flat and locking himself in for the rest of the evening and sunday, because being a doctor left him drained enough to not want to do anything else whenever he had time, that included ditching on his friends at almost every invite to go out, despite Ten's whining and constant phone calls to drag him out, his best friend only succeeded on few occasions, and that was when he used Yukhei (his most beloved friend) to convince him. that had happened just last week, so, _no_ , Sicheng wasn't intending on doing anything this time. 

but, of course, he wasn't counting on hearing a pained cry coming from the other side of the street as he walked outside the naturist shop, whose halls Sicheng had inspected meticulously, coming out of it with more bags than he originally planned, bags that were dropped to the floor as soon as he spotted a damaged body barely walking, more like dragging his feet across the asphalt, hugging his own torso with weak arms, as if trying to cover himself or soothe some sort of pain. the light was not enough for Sicheng to see what exactly was going on, but the way the outline moved and the difficulties he had to move, as well as the raw intakes of breath Sicheng could hear at the distance, were enough to make him run towards that body, extending his arms just in time to catch him to keep him from falling to the ground. 

it was a young man, Sicheng saw, smaller than himself and dangerously thin, he had his right temple covered in blood, his clothes all untidy, and there were more injuries that he could not see, but he heard some sirens some blocks away, so he assumed this man was running away, but it looked like he had been ran over by a truck, and as Sicheng dropped to his knees to have a quick look at the man, he knew he had to help him right away. the breathing sounded difficult, but Sicheng was still able to hear a weak _help me_ , coming out of his lips. 

Sicheng moved away the body from his, so he could arrange himself in some sort of squatting position to place an arm behind the man's back and the other under his legs to pick him up and carry him to his car. to place him inside was a difficult task, but he managed to lie him down, not even stopping to think about the traces of blood on the expensive fabric of his car's seats, the way he didn't think about how dangerous it was to drive at such a high speed around the dark city until he reached his clinic, parking in front of the main entrance and screaming for a nurse to run outside. 

“send some help and a gurney,” he exclaimed, the guard that Sicheng knew very well ran inside to do as he was told, while Sicheng took off his jacket, throwing it on one of the seats of his car, then opening the door to pull the person outside. some rushed steps came out of the facilities and Sicheng knew it was Kunhang, his most trusted nurse. “take him to emergencies.” 

Kunhang answered something, but Sicheng didn't hear because he ran inside, basically stripping himself off his clothes and putting on his hospital attire, following all the measures he knew by heart so very fast. he was in time to go inside the operating room, joining Taeil and Kunhang in washing their hands up to their elbows, slipping in the gloves and rearranging their clothes. 

“what happened?” he heard Tail ask. 

Sicheng shrugged and shook his head just a little while he tied his surgical cap. “i don't know.” Taeil nodded at that, he really didn't need to know, his warm brown eyes still showcased that kind vibe that helped ease Sicheng every single time. 

in his rush, Sicheng hadn't noticed the pair of soft pointy honey ears perfectly placed on top of the man's (or is it hybrid?) head, neither did he notice his tail, because it was tucked into his clothes, but as they worked on attending his wounds and treated the broken ribs by a long surgical process, Sicheng came to the conclusion that this hybrid was a very expensive breed, not only by the pattern of his fur, but also because of the complexion of his lean body, and Sicheng was sure, even though he couldn't confirm, the eyes of this man were just about as splendid as you would like to imagine. 

now, if Sicheng looked back, he could tell you that reality can exceed the limits of imagination as much as imagination can surpass those of reality. when the hybrid opened his eyes, after hours of surgery and hours of recovery, it was Sicheng the first one to see them and the world had suddenly felt so plain if compared to those infinite orbs. big, slightly rounded, but still slanted eyes, sharp on both ends, especially the inner corner, the lacrimal, while the outer corner of his eyes were lifted high, perfectly resembling those of a cat. and i mean, he _was_ a cat, and if there were still any questions, the slit pupil was enough confirmation, really thin with the white light of the hospital room, it was surrounded by an iris of a colour Sicheng still hasn't been able to name, it was like the whole universe just within these eyes, with a shade of blue, green and amber that mixed perfectly, despite blue and amber belonging to different palettes, the green did an excellent job as a transition colour to bring them together harmoniously. 

hadn't Sicheng been used to not losing focus, he would have stood there just admiring that beautiful being for hours. but, luckily, Sicheng was trained enough to do his job. and so he checked all the vital signs, not before asking, “what's your name?” 

the hybrid didn't seem scared, although he was still looking at him meticulously, Sicheng concluded that this wasn't a mistreated soul and for that he felt relief, but he was still patiently waiting for an answer, distracting himself by looking at the way the man's ears twitched at even the minimum sound, that's why he had not seen him move his lips to let his tongue out and hydrate his lips, preparing himself to speak, until Sicheng heard the raspy, thin voice. “ _Kun_.” that was it.

Sicheng shook his head and hummed questioningly, because he had been distracted. 

“my name's Kun,” the hybrid repeated, his throat sounded strained, and he really shouldn't be talking, Sicheng had already gotten the information he needed, but the hybrid kept talking just a little more. “you are the doctor who helped me yesterday,” he wasn't asking, he declared it with all conviction and Sicheng nodded at that. “thank you.” 

the poor thing had received many blows by a car, Sicheng learnt after, because it was his duty to know what was going on, to know if _Kun_ had a family, or if he had an owner, or if he was a free man. 

“i had an owner,” Kun explained once, slow and hardily, because it really took him a great effort to breathe, Sicheng knew he had bronchial hyperresponsiveness after running some tests, which was so risky, due to the fact that Kun had fractured some ribs and damaged his lungs, not to mention the long list of minor injuries he had suffered. “but he was my family-” he paused again and Sicheng hurried to reach his side to stop him, but nothing could make Kun change his mind, he had noticed. another deep, painful breath. “he let me free… not long ago.” now, that would probably explain the malnutrition, if Kun was left by himself, he might have had to survive with whatever he had, and Sicheng knew nothing, and he wasn't willing to ask, partly because Kun couldn't really speak, but mostly because it was not his duty to inquire. you'll see, when Sicheng chose this profession, it was because he had wanted to help people. along the way, he learnt that to do what he does, he must be available twenty-six hours out of the twenty-four of the day, that he had no time for relationships; that he shouldn't mix his family with his job; that he had to be, to a certain extent, stone cold, because he was not god, and as much as he wanted to, he could not always save everyone; he also knew he shouldn't attach to the people he helped, while still being caring enough. 

he had to be selfless, and he thought he was, truly. until he met Kun, that is. 

no one ever came to see the beautiful hybrid, and Sicheng really had a hard time trying to understand how it was that Kun still looked so strong and willing to live, despite being all alone. on these occasions, he knew it was love and support that made struggling people move on. luckily, the people working with him were as gentle and generous as Sicheng was, one of the things that made his clinic a special place. Kunhang spent hours helping Kun with breathing exercises and Taeil visited him everyday, Taeyong (a nurse that was mostly focused on cooking and took it upon himself to check on and pamper each one of their patients) went upstairs to bring the food and never felt offended if Kun didn't like it. Sicheng was also there, every single night, at first because he needed to make sure the hybrid was okay, but it slowly became a whim to want to see those eyes shining under the yellow light of the lamp they left on at night, to watch him sleep and try to convince himself that Kun had something to fight for, because he didn't want to come back one morning and hear that he had lost a battle Sicheng shouldn't be concerned about, but he just couldn't ignore it, because Kun was a living being, whether animal or human, he was a soul and he deserved to live.

coming back to his empty flat was not comforting and relaxing as it was before, not that it ever was, really, but he could rest sometimes and that was enough. after Kun, though, he was not able to rest at all, despite knowing that Kunhang or Renjun, a very soulful intern, would be there for Kun. 

Sicheng was handsome ( _lord_ , that term wasn't even close to reality, but in this baladí world of ours, _handsome_ is the closest word we have), but he couldn't catch a trace of that beauty he possessed whenever he looked at his reflection in the mirror after taking upon himself to take care of Kun, because his eye bags were _dark_ , really purplish, it looked as if he had been hit, and he was also losing some weight, which was an easy task when you work on a hospital, so that wasn't as uncommon. he was tired and he could have a mental breakdown at any time, but Sicheng was strong and he was like an immovable rock, so it would never happen, that didn't mean that he wanted to take a break from time to time. 

his solution was simple at first. 

“do you have somewhere to be?” he had asked once, as he checked the iv, the thin tube was dancing under the movement and Kun was having issues controlling his hands not to play with it, because he was mostly human, _yes_ , but he still was very much a kitty, too. Sicheng saw the struggle and smiled, taking out a pen to which he had attached a thick thread and a tiny red pompom, an improvised object that actually distracted Kun and made him more lively, the simple gesture and the way Kun seemed to be so happy with the bare minimum were starting to make Sicheng's heart flutter. 

“no, i don't,” Kun replied, still in short answers, but less strained than before. “why?” 

Sicheng moved the pen to make the pompom dance and Kun swayed his hands, clenching and unclenching, in a way that would have stuck his nails out had he had real cat paws. “you are basically ready to go,” he explained, “by tomorrow you can leave this room, but you still need to rest and use the oxygen machine, not move a lot, only for essential tasks, pretty much the same as now, at least one more month, but now you can do it at home.” Kun immediately stopped his playful motions and lowered his hands to rest them on his lap, his ears also visibly deflated and Sicheng felt a pang in his chest. “what's wrong?” 

he moved his hand to put the pen again inside the pocket of his white hospital coat. Kun had his ears against his scalp, almost disappearing between the messy ashy hair that Kunhang had helped him wash the day before. “i-” Kun wanted to say something, but he couldn't form the words. “i don't have anywhere to go,” he said, and the middle of the sentence was hiccuped, like he was going to cry or like he couldn't inhale enough air. “i survived of… hospitality…” he had to make some pauses to breathe, but he kept going, “when i left _him_.” 

Sicheng dropped himself on the chair next to the bed, the one that had been placed there for him only, and he hurried to take Kun's hands between his. “i am sorry,” he hurried to say. Kun was blinking away some unshed tears that made his eyes look the most multidimensional thing in the universe. “come with me,” he offered without filtering his invite, because that had been something he had wanted to say ever since he knew Kun was all alone, at this point it had seemed natural, like it was only another one of his daydreams in which he had mouthed the exact same words several times. but this wasn't a dream, and yet it was still very unreal. 

“ _yes_ ,” Kun replied, the happiness in his voice was soft, warm and welcoming; and the expression of his face was just as marvelous, if not even more, smiling brightly, showing his upper teeth in perfect conditions, as opposed to the lower ones, where there was one small tooth twisting prettily so very slightly to the side. “i'll be so good!” he tried to sell himself, it was something most hybrids did due to their animal side that wanted to convince them they were worth it, it wasn't bad, but Sicheng felt some panic run through his body. 

“no!” he exclaimed and Kun pulled back at the word, understanding it as rejection. “no, no, no, i mean,” he tried to correct, “you don't have to be good or anything, just be yourself, i just want to help you,” he explained. 

Kun nodded at that. “alright. i promise i will only stay the necessary, i won't abuse your generosity.” 

Kun never did, Sicheng knew. the moment he had been taken out of the hospital he did his absolute best, from standing on his own to go to the wheelchair, taking his time to do his breathing exercises for a few minutes to recover, using his hand to drag the hospital-use oxygen tank that had little wheels to be pulled. he also did his best, despite getting tired so easily, at greeting the small child next door, who downright screeched when he saw Kun's ears and the mottled tail that stood long and straight between Kun's back and backrest. 

“oh, hello, mr. cat!” the young boy had exclaimed. “i'm Yangyang, and i want to be your friend!” that had made Kun laugh in the warmest way possible, exuding such warmth, it actually reached Sicheng's heart. 

“hello, Yangyang,” Kun replied, moving just enough to lean to the front and hug the kid, who was waiting. 

“is he going to live with you now, gē?” Yangyang was six years old, and Sicheng had known him ever since his pregnant mother had moved to the flat next to his. 

“yes,” he said, fisting his hand to bump it against the one Yangyang offered. “but he's a little bit weak right now, so i need you to help me to not make him talk and move as much, can you do that for me?” 

Yangyang nodded happily. “of course! and i can make him some company,” he shifted his attention from Sicheng to a calm Kun. “he's a doctor and he's almost never home, you don't want to be alone, do you, gē?” 

“my name is Kun,” he nodded. “you're absolutely right, i can always do with some company.” 

Sicheng felt guilt. up to now, he had never considered that it had been so easy to be for Kun because he basically lived in the hospital, back in his flat, Kun would mostly be alone, and it was not good because he wasn't fully able to do things by himself, yet, and because Sicheng wanted to be with him. the very next morning, Sicheng arranged everything for a long vacation, which clearly took Kun off guard. 

“aren't you working today?” 

Sicheng looked up from the hotcakes he had placed on the bed table for Kun to eat. it was nine in the morning and Sicheng usually arrived at the clinic at six. “not really,” he replied. “i'm on vacation.” 

he saw Kun's ears twitch to the front and his eyes open even more, allowing more light to hit the eyeballs and making the pupil look even more slit. “it is not because of me, is it?” he questioned in a voice tone that sounded afraid. Sicheng didn't deny, nor accept, he limited himself to saying he wanted to rest and he could also keep him some company, a win-win situation. he still allowed little Yangyang to come over from time to time, during those visits, Sicheng would stay in the living room, surfing through netflix and picking nothing to watch at the end, while he heard Yangyang playing and exclaiming stories and theories he had about why dinosaurs never extinguished. he almost never heard Kun talk, but that was probably because Kun spoke at a lower volume, way fluid than before, to the point where there were times Sicheng would come into a room filled with melodies created by Kun's voice. 

“i didn't know you could sing,” he said once, sitting at the end of the bed, keeping some distance not to crush Kun or the tiny sleeping Yangyang. 

Kun smiled. “i play the piano, too. my old owner taught me and we used to play together,” the explanation came mixed with a hint of sadness, or something akin to homesickness, and Sicheng realised that in two long torturous months it was the first time Kun shared something about himself. 

Sicheng didn't want to push it, so he shared something, too. “i used to dance.” Kun's tail moved swiftly, delighted with the information, but he said nothing and Sicheng moved to take Yangyang in his arms and head out to bring him to his mum. 

he bought a piano, even though Kun never asked for it, but he knew he did right when Kun's face illuminated in the most aerial way, the pretty dimples on his cheeks appeared and the apples of his cheeks lifted till they almost reached his eyes. it had been a good motivation, too, because Kun got out of bed on his own initiative and it slowly started to serve as a therapy. 

it was one afternoon, when Kun was out of his room, sitting in front of the keyboard, warming up his fingers. “would you dance for me?” he asked and Sicheng had almost tripped as he walked to the kitchen when he heard. 

“what?” 

“i mean,” Kun hurriedly said. “you don't have to, it's just that- i wanted to-. no, never mind, forget it.” 

Sicheng smiled and went to him. “it's fine, Kun. you play whatever you want to play and i'll dance to it, it's fine.” 

if the way Kun's fingers moving over the keys, executing a melody he probably knew by heart, wasn't mesmerising enough, Sicheng long and fluid in the spacious living room was. he used to dance traditional and contemporary styles when he was young, dropping it when he started to attend med school, and he missed it every single day, it probably showed, because Kun was crying at the end, looking at him and feeling torn between running to the person who had helped him so much and staying still. 

something about the way Sicheng melted with the song, representing each note so well, with the exact movements and sharpness and strength, conveying a feeling he never knew he wanted to convey so well; something about that, was what made Kun open up just a tiny bit more to him. 

“i left because he was getting married,” Sicheng didn't dare to interrupt, sitting still on the floor instead. “i grew up with him and he never really felt like my _owner_ ,” sometimes Sicheng forgot Kun was not really human, he only remembered because of the twitchy ears and soft tail that moved every other time, but it was so easy to overlook, because Kun held more humanity than most people did. “he was my family, but…” Sicheng looked up, only because Kun taking a break to speak could mean he was having some sort of breathing issue, but he looked fine. “but i fell in love with him and i don't know what to call it, but it felt like he loved me too. we laughed, we kissed, and we hugged. until he found someone else. i thought i could bear it and i did for some time, but it was so difficult and i knew he was going away, he wanted to leave me somewhere while he went to his honeymoon, i heard it and i knew he was going to end up parting from me. so i told him i wanted to leave and i was right, because he never hesitated in leaving her for me, but he accepted to let go of me. he signed the papers and everything and i came back to china, but i had near to nothing and i survived as i could. the day you found me, i was running away from some wicked men that found me all alone and i don't really know what they wanted to do to me, but i knew it was bad and i ended up being ran over by this car as i escaped.” he fell silent as he analysed, it wasn't Kun's past that was sad or hard, the way many hybrids' were. it was his future, the one to be scary and cold. “thank you,” Kun was looking at him with teary eyes as he fidgeted his hands. “i promise i will pay you back and i will leave as soon as i recover.” 

that was not what Sicheng wanted, but he tried not. to think of it and thought of Kun, instead. of Kun and the way the hairs of his nape bristled when a loud sound scared him; of the way he straightened his limbs and lay under the sun, grooming himself and purring so pleased. he thought of his eyes and smooth skin, delicate hands and elegant fingers, of his small figure drowning in Sicheng's large hoodies. he thought of the way Kun blinked or directed his ears towards Sicheng, of how his tail hugged him when they were sitting side by side and how his nose twitched when Sicheng came too close. 

when his month off ended, he slowly grew used to coming back to a lit up flat, music playing in the back, the smell of delicious food coming from the kitchen and the sight of Kun illuminating even the darkest corner. 

“what are you cooking?” asked Sicheng, taking off his shoes. 

“why don't you come and see?” Kun moved his oxygen car (the one Sicheng hadn't been able to remove out of fear of letting Kun go) for Sicheng to come next to him and eat. 

“if you had the chance to be anyone else in this world, who would you be?” 

Kun lowered his chopsticks down, contemplating the question, blinking three times and swallowing before turning to Sicheng. “you.” he answered. “i'd be you.” 

Sicheng's plump small lips parted and he also blinked rapidly. “me?” he asked. “why?” 

the answer was immediate: “because you help so many people, i would love to be like you and repay all the help and kindness i have been given. i admire you and i would like to see the world through your eyes.” 

_you'd see yourself_ , Sicheng thought, but he didn't say it. 

time went on and Sicheng found a comfortable balance, a safe place to go back to, a lullaby to sleep to. it was Kun's voice the one he heard every morning as he got ready, and the one he came back to listen to at night, it were his lulling purrs and deep thoughts the ones Sicheng listened to with such devotion, not wanting to untangle his ideas, but just appreciating them as they were. he let himself be groomed on lazy sundays and he let Kun rub his head against his cheek as comforting gestures. 

the day Kun's heat hit was both scary and calming at the same time. scary because heats were strong on every cat (and Kun being an _ashera_ , not an ordinary cat-human hybrid, but the hybrid of a hybrid cat, made his anatomy slightly different and way more demanding, despite his species ability to get pregnant being really low) and it had made Kun so anxious and feverish, he had passed out when he tried to leave his bed, Sicheng thought it to be coincidental that he had refused to let Kun without his breathing device. 

“Sicheng…” Kun's raspy voice let out. 

“what is it?” he held his hand as he leaned against the edge of the bed, ignoring the very prominent tent that Kun's erected length created on the pants. “how can i help you? i can ask for someone to come or i can buy something for you-” 

Kun thrashed his head from side to side as if saying _no_ , but struggling so much to form the words. “just water, please,” he finally said. 

_just water_ wasn't everything he needed, but Sicheng didn't point it out, he just stuck to bringing a very big bottle of water and staying with Kun at his request, feeling him rub his ears and cheeks against every patch of skin he could, successfully scenting Sicheng and purring, pleased with the result. Sicheng let him and he didn't say anything when he felt Kun rut against his leg, sighing in relief at the friction and curling his tail to hold onto Sicheng. 

it was the way Kun sounded and the expression on his face as he came that haunted Sicheng for weeks. it probably haunted Kun too, because it took him exactly thirty-three days to go to Sicheng, with his tail held high, showcasing the pretty dark patterns, as he rubbed his nose on Sicheng's cheek. “can i hug you?” Sicheng asked when Kun did that. “every time you come near i want to hold you tight, would you let me?” 

Kun trembled, but he didn't deny. 

“of course,” he granted. “you can hug me.” 

_and kiss me, and fuck me_. those words were unspoken, but Sicheng understood them, anyway, by the way Kun went almost pliant under the spell of his kisses, which were neither rushed nor soft, Sicheng knew exactly how to tilt his head and how to move his tongue to have Kun jumping on him, tackling him down on the bed and hugging him with his slim legs, more fleshy than the first time Sicheng had seen him, but still lean, like the rest of his body, where dots and stripes would be if Kun were a real ashera cat, his breed could still be seen on the fur of his tail and head. 

“you've been an angel,” Kun said, parting barely an inch from Sicheng to speak. “a saving grace not only to me, but to many.” it was admiration, the thing Sicheng felt Kun projected for him, and he didn't know if it was strong enough, intimate or way too distant, but it, at least, was real, and Sicheng couldn't escape it, nor wanted to. 

Sicheng let himself be dragged to the depths of those glistening orbs, whether to the depths of the ocean, the centre of the earth, or the inside of a burning fire, Sicheng didn't know, but he didn't have to care when he had Kun underneath him, calling out his name, desperate to feel Sicheng's skin against his. 

“Sicheng, please,” it wasn't pathetic begging, it was an invitation, but it was eager and it raised goosebumps on Sicheng. “fuck me or i'll fuck you.” 

despite the raw request that worked perfectly on Sicheng, it wasn't just fucking, you couldn't possibly call it fucking, not when they both sighed and smiled after every kiss, not when Kun undressed Sicheng and appreciated every muscle, licking the skin of his neck with his sandy tongue; you couldn't limit it to fucking when both their hearts beat so hard and fast, Sicheng had to be very aware of Kun's health, careful not to tangle with the oxygen tube, the one which was always there, reminding Sicheng it was no longer necessary, but he still refused to drop. 

“fuck, you're so beautiful,” he said, taking in the sight of Kun's naked body and how he basically sucked him in, embracing his length with his sleek, warm, tight walls. 

“you're so pretty, too,” Kun moaned. “so, so handsome.” 

Sicheng was meant to be selfless, but as he made Kun come so many times that night, as he struggled to tell Kun that he was ready to go, he realised he was not like that at all. Sicheng was selfish, because he found himself wanting to keep Kun, thriving in the way he sometimes struggled to breathe, because that meant he still needed to stay. Kun was there with him, and Sicheng didn't want him to go. but it was time. if Kun wanted to stay, he'll stay. 

“you don't need this anymore,” he said, tugging the tube and moving his hands to bring them close to Kun's face, taking the nasal tips off. “you're okay.” 

Kun looked up at him and Sicheng knew his answer way before Kun spoke. 

he hadn't brought back home his tea the night he met Kun, and so he hadn't had the opportunity to drink his favourite one. it was not winter anymore, but Sicheng still went and bought the exact same things he bought that night, only this time he want back home and he found gentle lights on, a soft melody drowning his place and a tiny figure waiting for him. 

“this is the tea i was buying for my day off, the day i met you,” he explained as he handed Kun a cup. “i would like to share it with you on this, your last day with me.” 

Kun smiled and Sicheng felt a stabbing pain in his insides, but it wasn't nearly as bad as he'd expected. _it was way worse._

“thank you.” 

“where will you go?” 

“i don't know,” there was a silence. “i don't know where i'm going and i don't know where i belong.” 

Sicheng wanted to say that if Kun didn't know where he was going, or where he was meant to be, or who he had to be with, he could stay with him, no one can ever have the answer to those questions, you have to risk it if you feel like it. 

“no,” Kun replied at that. “my place is not with you, Sicheng.” 

Sicheng wanted to ask why, he wanted to object and scream and try to reason with Kun, offer him a job, a roof, some food, the same way he had done till now, but Kun refused and Sicheng could never understand his reasons, the way Kun's mind work was magnificent and mysterious, and mysteries weren't really meant to be solved, otherwise it'd stop being a riddle and it'll lose its essence. Sicheng never wanted Kun to lose his heart. only Sicheng was a very quiet man, and he didn't say any of those things. 

as Kun walked out the door, he said the following: “i have to return what you gave to me, i don't know how, i don't know when, i don't know where. but if it leads me back to you, i cannot fight it. i'll come back if we're meant to be.” 

_i found you and it was enough —_

_it was everything._

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i was requested some kunwin a while ago, and i always try to comply, it sometimes takes me a while, but i don't forget, so this is a little kunwin i wrote today that i hope you like.  
> please leave kudos or comments, they are always good feedback, and please tell me what to do with my recently created twitter account, i trust you know more about that than i do, i'll appreciate your help.  
> -n


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